Customer Support

 

Welcome to Emotional Support Services.

Your call is important to us.

Please stay on the line while we connect you to someone who will say exactly what you’ve already heard a hundred times.

“You’ll get over it.”

“Time heals everything.”

Ah, yes. The holy trinity of emotional customer care.

I’ve been on hold for months now.

The background music is soft jazz and bad advice.

Sometimes I press “9” for more options, but the machine only repeats:

“We’re sorry, all our therapists are currently busy pretending they’re fine too.”

I’ve tried troubleshooting on my own.

Rebooted the mind. Cleared cache. Updated expectations.

Still lags whenever a familiar name pops up.

Sometimes the system crashes at 2 a.m. —

but the report always says “No issue detected.”

I even checked the warranty.

Turns out, the heart’s policy doesn’t cover “damage caused by emotional negligence.”

Figures.

Friends say, “You should talk about it.”

I do. Just not with people.

I talk to objects — the coffee mug, the empty chair, occasionally the fan.

They don’t interrupt.

They just spin and hum like, “Bro, same.”

I once tried meditation.

Closed my eyes, breathed in peace, breathed out sarcasm.

Reached enlightenment for seven seconds.

Then remembered their laugh — reboot failed.

Sometimes I file a complaint to the universe.

Ticket number keeps changing.

Status always says “In Progress.”

No response from higher management.

So now I’ve accepted it.

Maybe this is how it works —

you miss people in maintenance mode.

No dramatic sobbing, just constant background noise of “System Not Responding.”

Last night, I almost hung up.

But then the hold music changed —

and it was their favourite song.

For a second, I froze.

Then I laughed.

Because even the universe has a dark sense of humour.

End of call.

Press 1 to pretend you’re okay.

Press 2 to listen again.

Press nothing if you’re still waiting.