Looser

Clouds, flowers, stones, mountains, rivers, waterfalls and rain on one side; your glimpse on the other. Your laughter on one side while the whole crowd of this world on the other side. Your every gesture on one side and all the happiness of this world on the other side. Even the zepto-second of time spent with you on one side and the happiness of my life till now on the other side.

I also know how each and every moment of yours must be passing. I also know how much pain you must be in, without me and without fighting with me. Without talking to me or without hearing my voice. I know everything. I also know how much you must have cried. How much you must have cried and how much pain you must be in. I can imagine. My heart.

I know. How long has it been since you smiled. We have fought so much. My companion, was there ever an evening when you did not get angry. There was a time when I was getting tired of these fights, but to tell you the truth - now I understand, after so many days, now I can see and know the face hidden behind your Hulk-like anger - irreprehensible and caring.

I have read in books and have additionally auricularly discerned from many poets, that with time everything fades. A prevarication. Exactly the opposite is happening with me. In the beginning, your memories were increasing slowly, but now they are increasing with compound interest. Everything is getting accumulated abaft this mind of mine.

Whenever I think of you, my heart gets nervous, my soul trembles out of fear, how is this time passing without you. I really want us to meet again and everything becomes fine. But how? Is there something that can come and make everything fine?

I am a big criminal. I have isolated you and your happiness. I know what I am losing. But maybe this is better for you. At least you will be able to stay happy by staying away from me. 

I don't understand whom to blame. Time or my fate. Whenever I miss you, I zoom in on our pictures in my phone. Then I endeavor to live in those memories as much as possible and smile. Because it happened. You came and gave me so much happiness that I could not handle it. You came and made my dreams come true. But I could not appreciate it. And I know, I will get the punishment for this slowly. When you leave, I might smell the aroma - your presence has left, I might hallucinate your shadow and smile and talk to the walls, but will never be able to meet you.

The setback you have received from me and the pain I have given you, believe me - I have not given it intentionally. I loved you so much. So much that I cannot express it in words. But I am helpless in the face of circumstances. I want to fill your heart with all the happiness in the world but I have nothing except the inferno like memories. Call it fate, call it time, call it an accident, but this is true, this is the reality. The mirror of my heart got shattered in front of my eyes; and I could not even hear its sound. Whenever your heart beats, understand that I have remembered you.

Inside this small life of mine, countless waves surge and break me from my soul. And maybe this will be good for me. My beloved, I am breaking down slowly. You were the last destination of my life. And I have lost that too.