Smile and breath

Final exam of F.Y college just got over .

My boyfriend of 4 years breaks up with me via text. I cling onto him like a bee on flower. But nothing works . He just doesn’t love me anymore .

I will be honest .

Breakups are sad, hard, depressing, brutal and cruel.

I was afraid to be alone . I don’t even know who I am if I am not his girlfriend. I lose all of my friends if I lose him . I don’t even know what to do with myself and all this time that I have .

Nothing I repeat nothing comes to help me when I need it the most . I think .

I googled “ How to get over ” 

I read 3–4 articles . One or two words helped . I put on music and cry myself to sleep .

Next morning feels like a burden. No whatsapp texts no missed calls . Shit has he moved on already ? I want to die . It’s so hard to leave the bed and get out of blanket . It’s so hard to breathe .

This goes on for a very long period of time . Approximately 3–4 months .

College begins again and I slowly start to look around and just look . Not judge or make sense of things that I witness . I just look around and breathe . I look at people who have faced death of their parents or siblings around me .

I go home to find mine right at place and think to myself “Wow this is a good reason to live for “.

I like to read but reading at home these days is depressing so I went to library.

I think to myself you have what he doesn’t anymore . That is youth and time .

I went to the restroom and took a sharp look at myself for good 2–3 mins . What are you thinking Ankita ? Look at yourself . What are you becoming ? Is this how we decided to be ? Is this how you are going to be ? A sad, depressed woman. How will your ever help or love others if you don’t even respect yourself enough ?

You are young . You are alive . You are alive damnit !!

Slowly stalking him stops . Pictures are now deleted and number was deleted long ago .

After long long long days and even longer nights, I wake up .

I no longer want to check my phone to see whether or not I have something .

But I do want to take a deep sharp look at myself and see all the places inside me that are still broken and need mending .

I don’t run away from my pain .

Instead I recognise it, face it and find a solution .

I accept it . Healing takes time .

One breath at a time . 

Watching the sun set as I write this answer .

Thank you Ankita for not dying and living .

How else would I have ever witnessed this beauty . Life’s good . Never been better .

Always remember Love IS KIND. Love is HEALING. Love is LIBERATING.

Don’t settle for anything less . You deserve the world and you will get it . I promise :)