Can I Call You by My Name ?

 

His heart beat fast and his face appeared heavy. He slept in and out; up and down all the night. She is a widow, he thought, I must not think about her. But does this really matter? This was beyond the control of human and she deserved to be loved. But his society wouldn’t allow. “Allow? I never required its permission.” He answers himself. He closes his eyes to fall asleep but he sees her, smiling, in his farthest memory.

'She has shared countless moments on bed with some another man. She is used. She has been used. Her body, her lips, her cheeks, her breasts, her hips had been into some another association for innumerable times.' His Great expectations had crumbled. He felt perplexed. He realized that his love for her was receding now, maybe.

He didn’t want to believe that she had been, and she will never be totally his. However hard she may try but a human being cannot escape his past, its memories. Maybe this meant the Tahira will never be completely become his. This also meant that while making love with him, Tahira will not be completely with him. But at the end, he came to a result that however hard he may try, he could never escape her past and that he could do nothing about it. Also, at the end of the day he loved her and maybe she too did the same. But After all, he wanted her and maybe she too wanted the same. 

One evening, he called her, purchased some flowers and some gifts and purchased an ice-cream and some chocolates while strolling down the city and before taking a leave, he told her how much jealous he feels, for, she had spent the earliest years of her twenties with another man. And finally, he said that whatever it may took, but now he wanted to spend the rest of his life with her; that he loved her and that he would always keep her happy; that it was not possible for him to forget her; and that he would help her recover from her past, for, past cannot be changed, said he, but future can be changed.

Tahira didn’t answer him directly.  Perhaps it hurt her. It should not have, as her life, she believed after the death of her husband was for some purpose and she has been straying. Beside that she must not forget that she was a widow, much elder than Mansoor was and how could she marry him, for, she would never be able to return him a First-Class love. She still saw her husband in her dreams. she still felt his presence around her. She was yet, and would ever and ever and ever be emotionally connected to her husband. And will society accept this?  

She sat, away from the crowd, alone and confused, broken and holden, happy and decision less when she was in love with both – her past, because it happened and her future, without a reason she could contemplate.

But suddenly the assembly begun. After a brief discussion, the crowd formed three groups and marched into three different parts of the city. One Group, to the slum with all the stationary stuffs, with ration for the poor that may last for a month, headed by Hardyal. The next Group, headed by Tahira and Kali to the CM’s House for allotment of Funds for their Organization – Crest India, that worked for the betterment of the people living in the slums and for people living on roadsides and particularly for children belonging to such families. The last group headed by Mansoor to the Magazine Office.

At evening, when every group had returned, she found Mansoor approaching her wearing a Red muffled gift in his hand. Not knowing about her own decision, she went nervous and she wanted to stay away from him, for she knew that with every moment bypassing, she was falling deeper in love with him.

He thought and thought a lot of her and she thought and thought so much of him that every breath she inhaled she felt him. There was a clash between her past and her future inside of her. But today, in her dream she dreamt of Mansoor and not her husband. In her half wakefulness, she visualized Mansoor, his eyes, his chin, his jaw, his well craved muscular hands and his dark trimmed beard. Now she, felt that she had a purpose to live and also, a cause to smile now. She swallowed the half-chewed food with water and smiled to herself.  

She got up, walked to the window and admired the greeneries across it. The leaves green, fresh like her own soul. She stood before the mirror and admired herself. So beautiful she looked. This is how Mansoor admires me, she whispered. She adored her white cheeks, lips, thick dense eyebrows and her small dense green eyes. She liberated her hairs and then she clipped and compared which one made her prettier. The she went cloth less and stared at herself. Does my body deserve to be adored by Mansoor? her conscience questioned.

‘Yes’, she said.